The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Futility and Future In Juxtaposition December 19, 2010

Hello all.  As per usual, I am in a fierce bad mood.  My kids are grumpy little homebody couch potatoes.  I was wanting to go to the candlelight service at my sister’s church, but they weren’t interested in going.  All they ever want to do is sit around and draw or play their stupid video games or watch movies or other mindless crap on YouTube.  And whose fault is it that they are the way they are?  Mine.  All mine.  I raised them.  I shaped them.  I formed them.  So if I sometimes can’t stand them, it’s my own stinking fault. 


So, let’s see.  What else am I crabby about?  My co-worker stabbed me in the back by interfering with my mail at work and my boss won’t even confront her about it.  My house payment is about to go up.  My car needs a brake job, its transmission serviced, and a new windshield.  I will be alone and bored on New Year‘s Eve.  I want to find a different church.  I don’t know where I belong, career-wise speaking.  I am desperately hopeless about ever finding a long-lasting, successful relationship.  I am annoyed at myself for even wanting that, because I’m clearly not in a place where I can have a man in my life, because my dear children have made it clear that they want me all to themselves and they do not want me to have a man in my life (or at least theirs) until they are grown and out of the house and on their own.  At least, the girls have.  I don’t necessarily blame them, but anyway…The Boy would probably not mind, if the guy was a decent person who had the tiniest bit of rapport with him. 


I guess I just woke up depressed this morning.  I don’t know why, exactly.  Just woke up bummed and cranky and crabby.  I tried to think of something to post on Facebook, but I couldn’t think of something that didn’t sound whiny and obnoxious, so I gave up.  I just can’t be one of those people who is constantly posting updates talking about how fabulously blessed and happy they are, and how perfect their life is, and how they are existing in a constant state of near-orgasmic bliss.  Who the heck is that happy ALL the darn time?!  Facebook is my nemisis.  My mother got irritated at me the other day because I unleashed a verbal slap-down on someone who ticked me off on Fb.  She says I spout off on there too much and put too much personal stuff on there.  Or maybe she was talking about here.  I’m not sure. 


There is one tiny thing I’m looking forward to, and if anything happens to ruin it, I will have a monster-sized temper tantrum.  The kids never read my blog, so I could share it here, but I won’t, just in case.  I’ll just say that it’s something for the whole family that the kids don’t know about yet, that they will find out about as part of their Christmas.  I am sooooo looking forward to seeing their faces when they find out!  It is the one bright spot in my life at this moment. 


So anyway.  Back to the love/relationship thing.  I had a dream the other night- I don’t remember if there was any more to it than this one part, but I was standing there with this guy I graduated with, and he said “I love you,” and I said “I love you.”  It was short and to the point, but the emotions were clearly intense.  I can’t imagine why I dreamed that, or why I dreamed about this particular guy.  All I know is that even though finding someone to love is clearly high on my list of desires, I can’t really picture being able to fit someone in my life right now.  Maybe the reason the entire subject is so depressing is that I’m still married!  On paper, at least, which does me no good whatsoever.  And as I said, the kids have already decreed that I am not allowed to remarry while they are still at home.  Granted, the girls are only 17 months away from graduating high school. (OMG- did I just say that!?)  But they probably won’t be leaving home for a couple of years after that.  Daughter S. wants to take classes at the local higher ed center for a year or two and then go to art school.  Daughter J.’s options and abilities are both slightly more limited, but she doesn’t really think in realistic terms anyway.  She wants to work for Disney.  Specifically, she wants to be a Disney “star,” as in one of those overrated teenage actors who stars in a Disney show, puts out music cds, and generally makes people wonder just WHO is in charge at Disney studios, anyway? 


The boy will be 10 in May, so he’s in the picture for a longer time.  I often wonder what it will be like when the girls do get out into the world on their own and it’s just me and Little Man.  I could do anything.  I could pick up and move to Alaska.  Or go teach ESL in Thailand.  Or move to Port Aransas.  There are possibilities.  I suppose if I were selfish and heartless, I could shove the girls out the door the minute they get home from graduation, ship The Boy off to live with his father, grab my backpack and hit the road in Europe or somewhere to go “find myself.”  But I don’t see that happening. 


It’s an intriguing, tantalizing idea, though.  It defiinitely is.

Until next time,



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