The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

A Battle Hard Fought Is a Battle Half Won? December 11, 2010

Hello all.  I realized something recently.  I am a food addict.  And… a compulsive eater.  I think.  All this week at work I’ve experienced an intense desire to eat in the late afternoon.  No way I could be actually hungry.  Well, not very, anyway.  I just want to eat.  I want to put stuff in my mouth and consume it.  I want to gnash my teeth on something, taste the sweetness or saltiness or whatever is available.  Friends… I HATE IT!!!! 

*

I hate that feeling worse than anything in the world, like I’m stuffing my feelings, my emotions, my energy level, and whatever else threatens my serenity at the moment.  Granted, my job is fairly high stress, especially at this time of year.  (I work in a UPS Store.) We’re busy, it’s fast-paced, it’s physically tiring, and I have one co-worker who is literally out of touch with reality and who, I believe, has completely gone ’round the bend.  But we can’t fire her- we can’t get through the Christmas season without her.  She makes everybody who works there (and half the customers) just shake their heads in sheer disbelief AND want to slam their fingers in a door or two, but we can’t get rid of her.  Not until after the holidays.  (Although believe me, I’m working on a good reason.  If things play out the way I expect they will, the boss will have no choice but to let her go if he wants to keep me.)

*

Regardless of stress, crazy co-workers or whatever, I cannot allow my feelings to dictate what I put in my mouth and when.  I just never noticed before how strong the compulsion was!  I found myself struggling so many times this week, just WISHING there was SOMETHING in the breakroom I could EAT!  And sometimes there was, and I had to fight to resist it.  Sometimes I had brought healthy stuff, stuff with low Weight Watchers PointsPlus values, but other times I just had to have a small nibble of whatever was there and go on.  I have brought apples, baby carrots, grapes, low-carb shakes to work, but sometimes all there is in the fridge is a half-eaten Hershey bar or package of peanuts.  I’ve been eating the chocolate one tiny square at a time or the peanuts 8 or 10 at a time, when I simply have to have something to pick me up.  I’ve noticed that the drive to put something in my mouth often comes after we’ve cleared out a small rush of customers, when I’m physically worn out.  At those times, I think maybe it’s not so much an emotional eating thing as it is that I really do need a burst of energy to keep me going, and my body screams at me to fuel it! 

*

Either way, I am continuing to try to follow the Weight Watchers plan.  It’s a daily struggle, a literal battle to resist eating things I shouldn’t.  I’m shoving baked Tostitos in my face at this very moment, even though I’m deep into my weekly points today.  It’s not good.  Not good at all.  I want to be thinner.  I want to be healthier.  I want to have more energy.  I want to maybe be a Weight Watchers leader someday.  I won’t be able to do or have or be any of that if I can’t learn to control my actions when my mind or my stomach or my body in general screams at me to put something in my mouth!  It’s terrifying, if you want to know the truth.  I know, it sounds a little dramatic, but if you’re skinny, if you’re a happy regular exerciser, if you’ve never felt what it feels like to have an overwhelming urge to eat something for no good reason, I’m not sure if you can understand.  The fear is there that I’ll never conquer it, that I’ll never be able to consistently win the battle and resist eating what I shouldn’t, when I shouldn’t, and how much I shouldn’t!  Some days it’s just. so. hard.

*

Anyway.  I’ll just keep going, because I know for sure that if I quit trying, I’ll never win, and that self-control is just like any muscle.  You have to exercise it, and it gets easier the more you do.  I have to count on that.

*

Until next time,

D.

 

2 Responses to “A Battle Hard Fought Is a Battle Half Won?”

  1. Traci King Says:

    I so am in the same boat with you! I find myself having late afternoon snacks and evening snacks,just because I “gotta have something”. One thing I realized the other day……Joel and I were in the kitchen all day a few Saturdays ago, making wild plum jam. I did make breakfast and we both ate, but by the time we finished the jam, it was time to go to our evening banquet. I happened to remember, as I was getting ready, that we didn’t eat lunch! I was shocked, cause you know, I DON’T miss meals, and those people who “forget to eat” drive me crazy.

    But I did realize that there may be something to staying busy, finding a hobby, excercising (which I hate), or something to keep me from eating just because I’m in my chair in front of the TV! So I’m trying to be crafty and make some Christmas gifts and give up some of my late night snacks.

    We’ll see how it goes, but anyway, just know you’re not alone. I struggle with eating for no apparent reason and it is SO frustrating.

    Keep up the good work! I think we’re all just “Works in progress”!

  2. LenaDeeAnne Says:

    Hi Traci! Thanks so much for reading, and thanks for the comment! I know what you mean about the people who say they just forget to eat! I don’t think that has EVER happened to me. I may be busy and just don’t eat because I don’t have time or I don’t have something super healthy available, but I’ve never just forgotten to eat!

    It’s nice, though, isn’t it, to know that there’s always the next day to keep trying to do better! Like you said, ‘Works in Progress.’

    Thanks again for reading!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s