The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Get My Drift? October 27, 2010

Filed under: Family,General Observations — DDKlingonGirl @ 8:42 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

Hello all!  I could be wrong here, but I think these “30 Days” posts were supposed to be… um… consecutive?  Oh well.  For my personal purposes, I guess I can change the title to 30 Posts of Truth-ish Which May or May Not Appear on Consecutive Days or In a Timely Fashion!  So anyway, today’s topic is:  Someone you didn’t want to let go, but who just drifted.  This is a great topic.  I can speak to this topic. 

*

There are so many people I can think of right off the top of my head who have been close friends in the past, people I never intended to let go of, friends who were part of my growing up, or even blood family.  Mostly I’m thinking of people from junior high and high school.  I can think of 5 girls right off the top of my head who were dear friends at some point between 6th and 12th grades.  One of them was actually my very first friend.  Out of those 5, I know approximately where 4 of them are, but we talk almost never, like if I happen to run into them in WalMart or something.  The 5th one, I don’t have a clue where she is or what happened to her.  I loved them, I miss them, and I hope and wish the best for them.  Jamie, Rhonda, Kim, Carrie, and Billie Jo- I miss you!

*

It’s even worse when you let family drift.  My oldest cousin is a complete stranger.  I have a lot of cousins, probably about thirty.  Many of my younger cousins are virtual strangers.  Of course we still love each other, because we’re family, but it’s kind of sad because the next time some of us see each other will probably be when the family patriarch, my wonderful, awesome, extraordinarily special grandpa, passes from this life, may God forbid.  He’s 83, and if he lived another 30 years, it wouldn’t be enough.

*

Then sometimes there are some people in your life who seem to be drifting, and you wonder if you should throw out a line and pull them back to you or just say goodbye and let them go on their path.  Ride their wave off into the sunset like Wilson on Cast Away.  I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a certain space of time, for a specified purpose.  As hard as it is to do, I think when we feel people drifting, we have to examine what their purpose was in our life and whether or not that purpose has been fulfilled. If it has, maybe it’s ok to just let them go.  Light a candle and set it adrift on a wave and watch as it fades into the horizon.  (Remember that scene in Karate Kid II?)  If it feels like they are still in our lives for a reason, like they have a purpose to fulfill in us, then we need to make sure we stay connected to them and keep the lines open so we are fully blessed by what they bring to our lives.   

*

I haven’t even touched on the casual friends we meet in church and school and work and various other settings, people we really enjoy and would like to get to know better, but somehow we never take the time to connect and actually get close.  We all know life is busy.  Everybody gets wrapped up in their own lives and their own dramas.  Sacrifices get made, and sometimes those sacrifices are potential relationships.  We either never learn or we forget how to make friends and how to maintain friendships.  My personal feeling is that I would really like to become one of those people who actually has a social life, who has friends I go out and do things with, friends that I talk to on the phone or text, or meet for coffee rather than just check their Facebook page every so often just to see what they’ve been up to.  I think it would be really great to feel like I have more people around me who enrich my life and make it more interesting and enjoyable.  People to whom I feel close and connected.

*

In the meantime, I will settle for the joy I had this afternoon on my way home from the City with my son.  We had accomplished our goals for the day, done what we needed to do, had some fun, talked, spent time.  It was pretty perfect.  As I was driving back toward home on the interstate, I just felt a deep, profound sense of peace and wellbeing that I couldn’t exactly name or define.  It came from just enjoying the quality time I had with The Boy, talking to him, listening to him, and being happy together.  I couldn’t necessarily explain it, but I was grateful.  Maybe sometimes people can drift even when you see them every day.  Maybe you can be drifting while sitting in the same room.  Maybe the secret to avoiding losing people to “drift” is just to be thankful for every moment.  Thankfulness keeps us coming back for more. 

*

Until next time,

D.

 

Day 9/30- Someone Who Has Made You Feel Like Dirt October 23, 2010

Hello all.  Today’s 30 days topic is the opposite of yesterday’s:  someone who has made your life a living hell or treated you like dirt.  Despite the point of this whole 30 Days thing, which is truth, I don’t think it’s productive to write about someone who has done that, so I’ll write to them.

Dear Co-Workers Frick and Frack,

You are masters.  Masters of the art of cruelty.  You’ve got it down to an art form.  Congratulations.  Treating someone like they are invisible and/or do not exist is one of the cleverest forms of torture ever devised, and both of you have chosen to do that to me in the past, so I commend you on your supreme hatefulness. 

Frick:  you have no idea how deeply it hurts when you walk in and address only the boss and pretend I’m not standing there three feet away from him.  When I have to walk past you to get something and you stand there and don’t move out of my way, like I’m not there and you own the world.  I understand why you’re doing it.  You think I betrayed your confidence.  But you were doing something sneaky and underhanded and backstabbing, and you put me in the middle and I had no choice but to share what I knew because other people needed to know.  That’s my explanation.  Don’t believe it or accept it? That’s fine, but we’re both adults.  (To say we’re mature adults may be taking things too far.) In theory, we should be able to be civil to each other in a business setting.  I don’t think it’s too much for me to ask, for you to not make me feel like something wormy and disgusting on the bottom of your shoe by pretending I don’t exist when you are there.  I realized today that I do that right back to you, but only because I’ve tried to make the effort in the past and you ignored it completely.  Sometimes I want to forgive you, but I don’t know what makes you think you are so special and spectacular and high and mighty.  You’re a climber and a user, and I don’t trust you and I don’t respect you and I don’t know how you can sleep at night. 

*

Frack, that month when you were treating me like I was both deadly and invisible was the worst month I’ve ever endured on that job.  You acted as if I had the plague.  When I walked into your line of sight, you backed up.  When I stood near your end of the counter you moved to the opposite end.  When I put down something like a stapler, you’d go find a different one instead of using the one I just put down.  When I was standing between you and the door, you’d go all the way around the room just to avoid coming within two feet of me. When you had something to say and all of us were standing around, you’d specifically address the other girls as if I were not there, purposely excluding me, offering them things like drinks and snacks, and not me.  The only time you spoke to me was if a customer was standing right there and it directly involved their transaction.  You refused to answer when I asked you a question, pretending I hadn’t spoken.  The coldness and hate radiating from you was palpable. You asked other people questions they knew nothing about, when I had just finished answering that very question. You talked trash about me every time I left the room.  And yet you bragged about church, and how you were “cleaning up your game” and you had a “mansion waiting for” you in heaven.  All the while you were doing everything you possibly could to make another person feel pain. 

*

I know why you did all that.  I mean, I did bite your head off.  I told you if you snapped at me again, you and I were going to have it out.  After you bit my head off first.  You know what?  That was a little extreme.  You even told people I threatened your life.  And when I couldn’t take it anymore and I decided I was going to have to make the step if it was ever going to improve, I apologized.  I apologized for everything, and you never said a word and you never apologized to me.  Just started acting normal the next Monday.  I guess it doesn’t matter, because it appears to me and everyone else who works with you, that you’re… kinda nuts.  Anyway.  Just wanted you to know that your little plan worked.  You successfully made me feel like dirt every single day for over a month until I backed down and apologized for something you started.  You must feel very gratified, but it doesn’t make you any less crazy.  PS- Obama is not the anti-christ. 

*

Until next time,

D.

*

 

Forward. Just Forward. October 22, 2010

Hello all.  Today’s assigned topic for Day 7 of 30 Days of Truth-ish is “someone who has made your life worth living for.”  Typical answer- my kids.  There have been times when I would have cashed in my chips if it hadn’t been for the three small humans I brought into the world.  And there have been times when I thought I couldn’t do that to them and considered taking them with me (something I probably shouldn’t confess in this forum.) But then I somehow managed to kick Satan in the ‘nads and get him out of my face and off my case and the kids and I all lived to face another day. 

*

I would never actually have done it.  I just thought about it at times in some of my darkest days.  But then I knew I had to make the choice to keep living, to make life better so I could set them an example.  I wanted them to see that sometimes life can really get you down, to use a sadly inadequate phrase.  I wanted them to see that even when life is really painful and you’d do anything to escape it, you have to keep going, because life and everything in it are temporary.  Or to use another trite but true expression, the only constant in life is change.  Sometimes we can’t live year to year or month to month or week to week or day to day or even hour to hour.  Sometimes we have to live moment to moment.  But if we just give it a minute to change, it might just get better. 

*

I honestly think that in that effort to teach them persistance, I’ve also taught them strength.  I think, and hope, that I’ve taught them that the only way to live life is just to keep plowing on and keep moving forward.  Sure, sometimes you have to pause a moment and take stock of yourself and your life and where you are and where you want to get to, but mostly you have to keep moving forward, as my poem below says, and not just with aimless motion, but with purpose and determination.  If they have learned that, then I have succeeded in some measure.  And that makes everything worthwhile.

*

Until next time,

D.

.

.

**Forward**

I wanna be cruisin’ the strip,
watch the lights blur by on either side,

drivin’ blind
not knowin’ where I’m goin’
-just feelin’ the sensation.

I wanna be strokin’ in the ocean,
muscles screaming for oxygen
– salt in my face, goin’ no place
but forward.

Forward.
Out of the place I’m stuck in,

on to a new day.  Oh somehow!

Lookin’ for a new way to be
Forward.

I wanna be screamin’ down a mountain,
bitter cold air bitin’ me-
hittin’ bumps at full throttle,
think I oughta slow down, but no-
I gotta keep movin’ forward.

If I’m not pushin’ forward-
I’m either standing still or moving back.

That ain’t gonna cut it,
can’t hack it, gonna crack
If I’m not moving forward.

1-10-05…. 4:15 pm

 

There’s Truth, and Then There’s TRUTH. October 20, 2010

Hello all.  Day 6 of 30 Days of Truth-ish.  Our topic for the day is Something You Hope You Never Have to Do.  The blogger I borrowed this idea from said she hoped never to have to bury her husband.  I can understand that, but if I had a husband, in a more significant way than just on paper as I do, I would so much rather enjoy a long, happy life together and eventually bury him if I had to, than lose him any other way, like to divorce.  I cannot and will not ever go through that again. 

*

No, my “hope to never have to” is much worse to me than the thought of burying a husband, since I don’t have one; my answer is I hope I never have to bury another child.  Yes, I said ‘another.’  My first child was stillborn at 6 months’ gestation, and we went through the whole funeral experience.  I don’t mean to diminish it.  It was sad, and it was traumatizing, and it was painful and took time to get over, but I can say without hesitation, it would be unfathomably worse to have to say goodbye to one of the children I’ve raised and loved and enjoyed.  Baby K was more of an idea.  A possibility, a hope, a dream.  Daughter S, Daughter J, and The Boy are realities.  They are the reality that keeps me going every day.  They are the reason I am here.  They are the anchor that keeps me from drifting into insanity at times, and sometimes they are the wind that blows me there! 

*

But the idea of this exercise is truth, and that is mine.  Of course, there are many other things I hope to never do in my life, like get bitten by a snake, or go to jail, or get hit by a train.  Those would pretty much suck.  And of course, there are the things I will inevitably have to do that are a part of life, like go to the funerals of my friends, relatives, and immediate family.  Not looking forward to that, really.  And there are things like getting cancer or some other debilitating or mind-destroying disease like Alzheimers.  Definitely don’t want to go through those. 

*

But overall, I think the worst thing I could ever go through in life, the thing I hope to never, ever do, is to lose one of my children.  I have to say, though, that I’d be able to bear their loss a thousand times if they were children of God, if they were baptized into Christ or had not yet reached the age of accountability, than I could even once if they were lost.  That would be truly unbearable, because the truth of all truths is that heaven and hell are both real, and waiting. 

*

I realize this has been a total downer of a post.  And I don’t know if it would be better to end here and preserve the impact of my words or share a story that would ease the sadness and get a laugh.  So I think I’ll risk it and share the story, because it’s really quite amazing how uncouth some people are.  I guess this could fall under the category of today’s topic.  I hope to never in my life be this unthinking and inconsiderate of another person’s feelings:

*

At work today, I was sharing with my obnoxious co-worker the story of why I was wearing the particular shirt I’m wearing today, which is a t-shirt with a picture of a monkey in a suit sitting at a computer, and reads “I ‘heart’ Monkey Business.” I wore the shirt because I just randomly picked it up and tried it on to see if it would fit and it did! I was celebrating because it was a 2X t-shirt instead of the 4 or 5 I used to wear!

So I’m telling co-worker all this and she asks me what size my work shirt is. (I used to work Saturdays only, so I have one uniform shirt that I wear occasionally, but usually I wear my own clothes with an apron bearing our logo.) So I tell her “Oh, I don’t know, probably about a 4” (meaning 4XL). And she looks and me and makes her eyes get big and says, and I’m not kidding here, “GOD, that’s huge!”

I just rolled my eyes and went on with what I was doing. I think she continued with some blather about “See, don’t you feel better? Won’t you be glad when you can wear a medium? You’re making progress!”

*

Yeah.  Progress in the area of not responding with the following snark:  “Pardon me, Ma’am.  Stupid Police.  I’m afraid I’m gonna have to run you in, ’cause you’re a complete idiot!”

*

Until next time,

D.

 

Truth-ish Continues: Something You Hope to Do in Your Life October 18, 2010

Filed under: Dreams and Passions,Weight Woes,Whatever — DDKlingonGirl @ 7:56 am

Hello all.  I started this post Friday morning continuing the 3o Days of Truth-ish series with Day 5- something you hope to do in your life.  But I was in a ‘not fit for human consumption’ mood that morning, so I scrapped it.  I’m in a much more bloggy-friendly mood now, despite the fact that my brain is currently being overstimulated by a number of unpleasant things like The Boy complaining about not being able to beat the video game he’s playing, my iTunes playing Carrie Underwood at ear-bleeding volume, Daughter S. singing along with the music, and the aforementioned video game complete with explosions and grunts of death. 

*

So.  Day 5 of 30 Days of Truth-ish.  The topic was something you hope to do in your life.  There is so much I hope to do in my life- things like travel, see my kids choose to become Christians, see them graduate and go to college or find a career path that will make them happy, get married, have kids of their own.  I’d like to make more money, I’d like to find a career path that makes ME happy, I’d like to fall in love again, I’d like to go to Alaska and maybe live there for a time.

*

But the one thing that I really hope for, one thing that will help allow me to see all my other hopes come true, is to achieve an ideal weight.  To find myself at the recommended weight range for my age, sex, and height.  This may sound amazingly simple, but it’s something I’ve never done!  I’ve never been at an ideal weight in my entire adult life. Maybe not in my life, period.  If I could achieve that, it would make it much more likely and possible that I could do some of the other things I want to do. 

*

But here’s the thing- I need to focus on trying to check everything off my list regardless of whether I get to an ideal weight.  I need to try to be the kind of person who decides what she wants and then goes after it, without letting anything stand in her way!  I’ve been working very hard on that, and hopefully I’ll figure it out soon. 

*

Until next time,

D.

 

Forgiving is Cathartic and Cleansing! October 13, 2010

Filed under: Preach It Sista!,Steps in the Journey — DDKlingonGirl @ 8:27 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Hello all.  Today’s topic for Day 4 of 30 Days of Truth-ish is:  Something you have to forgive someone else for.  Wow.  That’s a tough one.  It’s a little disconcerting to examine your life and see that there are things that you’ve yet to let go of, things you still resent and dislike, and yes, even hate, other people for, things they’ve done to you or things they did that you went along with, that derailed where you thought your life was going. 

*

Anyway.  Two situations I really need to forgive in my life, one personal, one professional.  I can’t truly say I’ve figured out how to do that, but I’m working on it.  I have had this discussion with friends before and they’ve told me that it’s like Nike, you just do it.  You just say in your heart, “I forgive this person for whatever they did or didn’t do that hurt me or damaged me or caused my life to go in a different direction than I thought it was going to go.”  And then you just refuse to let it come into your head again and when it does, you just remind yourself how much you’ve been forgiven for and tell Satan to quit throwing it back in your face.  Man, that’s tough!  I know it has to be done, but I haven’t given it up yet.  I haven’t made the decision to permanently Let It Go. 

*

Why do you suppose people like to hang on to the hurts that other people have caused them?  They’re hurts!  They fester and enflame and wound and poke and keep a person from being whole and healthy!  Who would want that?  Like the compulsion to keep probing at an aching or loose tooth, or picking at a pimple, or poking a bruise.  What is it about us incredibly screwed-up humans that we sometimes seems to revel in our own pain?  Are we really that masochistic or is it just a way of reminding us we’re still alive and there’s still inprovement to be made and we might possibly be whole and healthy and pain-free *someday*?  Like a reminder that life has potential. 

*

I’m not sure I have any deep, mind-blowingly brilliant answers for that (or anything else, for that matter) but I do know that according to the faith I’ve been brought up in, we are forgiven as we have forgiven.  I don’t know about you, but there is a whoooooole lot I’d really like for God to just strike off my record.  A WHOLE lot.  So if I want that for myself, I have to give that to others.  So here goes:  I am taking this moment, on this day, to forgive these people for what they have done that has caused me pain.  I permanently and completely forgive them and I ask for strength never to revisit that pain again and never again to allow it to affect me or my life or my decisions, except insofar as I have learned from the experience how to avoid repeating it.  I accept them into my heart as brothers in Christ and I love them in Christ.  Amen.

*

Wow, that feels good! 

Until next time,

D.

 

Too Many To Choose From! October 12, 2010

Hello all.  Day 3 of 30 Days of Truth-ish.  The topic is “Something you have to forgive yourself for.” 

*

There are probably a lot of things I need to forgive myself for, yesterday’s sad excuse for a post high in the rankings among them.  But I think the thing I need to forgive myself for most is the same as #1- not trusting my gut instincts.  In most instances, I think I have done the best I could with what I had at the time and the place I was in at the time.  But looking ahead, I am honestly hoping that someday I will be able to use my head, heart, and gut simultaneously and get something right, for a change. 

*

Until next time,

D.

 

 
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