The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Milestones, Recovery, and Improvement July 26, 2010

Hello all.  Tonight my post is dedicated to recovery.  Recovery from what, you ask?  Well, mainly recovery from writer’s block!  I’m not promising this post will be brilliant or even entertaining, but at least it will exist! 

Tomorrow is my Weight Watchers meeting.  I haven’t talked about that lately because I got on the ‘talking about books’ kick.  I gained 1.4 last week when we went to Branson.  I wasn’t terribly distraught because it wasn’t a huge gain and if I hadn’t been trying to be somewhat careful, it might have been five pounds!  Unfortunately, I haven’t done any better this week.  I haven’t eaten any healthier, and there have been a couple of days when I’ve just felt completely out of control.  I’m now reduced to cheating:  water pills today and tomorrow, and I’m actually donating blood before weigh-in! 

However.  I am definitely going to pull my cranium out of my rectum and get my stuff together this week.  I’ve got what feels like a million things I need to do in the next few weeks.  Small sampling:  send off for birth certificates so daughter can get driver’s permit, get referral from doctor so I can take daughter to dermatologist for acne like I should have done- what, like 2 years ago?  Make dermatologist appointment.  Make back-to-school dental appointments for kids.  Shop for school supplies.  Continue to search for photos and videos for my 20-year class reunion. 

I would add ‘try to work on cleaning out garage and/or storage shed,’ but I’ve been saying that for a year now.  On a related note, the kids and I have been back in our house for almost a year now!  It’s hard to believe.  August 10 marks one year since the kids and I moved back into our house after it was rebuilt from a house fire. 

We’ve come a long way in some respects, and we’re still in a huge rut in others.  I think, overall, we’re all happier than we were before the fire (and consequently, before the marital separation.)  I hate to admit it, but it’s true.  I think there is more peace.  Unfortunately though, we still have a really bad habit of simply cohabitating.  We share the same space, but we aren’t very connected.  Two 16 year-old girls, a nine year-old boy, and a Mom who’s about to turn 38.  And most evenings, one of us is on the computer, one of us is playing Playstation games, one of us is reading a book, and one of us is texting and listening to an iPod.  Sometimes all in the same room, sometimes not, but those are our regular pursuits.  We talk a little, share thoughts a little, but it’s not all cozy and Brady Bunch-y.  It makes me feel like we’re failing somehow.  Like I’m failing.

On the positive side, we have one teenage girl who is no longer severely depressed.  We have a soon-to-be 3rd grader who is no longer third-world skinny and who is much more even-tempered and often pleasant.  And we have a mom who has been trying to fix healthier foods and who has managed a 50+ pound weight loss in the last 7 months. 

There’s nothing on my walls, though!  We’ve been back in the house almost a year, and if it were not for my sisters and the work they put in last September for my birthday, the very few pictures and things that are on the walls would probably not be there.  The curtains are still held up with tension rods, some windows don’t even have curtains, there are no blinds, and most of the space is bare. 

See, here’s where I’m struggling!  I can either focus on our health and our food, or on housecleaning and homemaking, or on our behavior and relations, but it feels next to impossible to do that all at the same time!  I am simply not a superhero.  In a few short weeks, we’ll be adding school and all its pressures and pains back into that equation!

I understand I’m not the only single mom in the world, and I have it a lot easier than most.  I have parents who help me, health care for my kids, food benefits from DHS, and low income housing.  I have a car that runs, a job with bosses who are flexible, caring, and supportive, and an education that will allow me to find a better job when the economy improves. 

So am I asking too much of me, of all of us, when I’m trying to be Betty Crocker, June Cleaver, and Dr. Phil all at the same time?  I know there is always room for improvement, always a way to do better.  But maybe I’d be better off just learning to savor days and moments.  Making sure there is a bond forged between my and my kids, and between them and each other, that makes all the housekeeping, health-food eating, perfect-family-game-night stuff secondary. Maybe I need to realize all of that is not nearly as crucial as all of us just knowing that even if we’re not playing charades and eating homemade health food in a spotless house that looks like a Martha Stewart photo shoot, we’re still a good family and we’re still ok!

Maybe I’m onto something. 

Until next time,

D.

 

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