The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

The Night I Discovered Food Porn! June 26, 2010

Hello all.  The following statement is half facetious and half sincere:  Walking is such fun!  My cousin and I went walking again tonight.  We had to keep pushing each other.  Or pulling.  Whatever worked to keep us going.  We alternated being cheerleader.  We had to, because we had just come from the local pizza place where we ate way too much pizza.  And they had the tv on the Food Network.  There was some show about a ‘throwdown’ and stuffed french toast in New Jersey.  Yeah, I didn’t get the connection either, but those pictures?  Looked sinful.  Like, so rich you’d have to sell your soul to the devil, sinful.  As I watched them, I was laughing to myself, but I didn’t tell Dear Cousin until we were starting our first lap around the track.  Then I had to tell her that I was laughing because those pictures looked so good I thought they could be ‘fat people porn.’  Like I could imagine some really fat person um… “having fun” while watching those images of stuffed french toast and all the other rich and decadent foods.  So then Cousin and I had a good laugh imagining what that show would look like!  BBWs in French maid costumes, cooking suggestively, saying things like “…slowly sliding the bread into that hot toaster…”  Whee, food porn! 

Anyway, then we continued to drag ourselves around the track, depsite the fact that it was still 90 degrees at almost 7 p.m., and the sun was right in our faces most of the time, and I was wearing long, heavy jeans!  Halfway through our two miles, I was feeling the urge to rip my shirt off.  I knew I mustn’t do this, because I would likely get arrested.  So I fought the urge and continued to trudge along.  I felt sure that the entire underside of my left big toe was one giant blister, but I was determined not to let this get in my way. 

While walking, Cousin and I discussed exactly WHY we were doing this.  At first she said she didn’t know.  Then I said that I was walking because I want to be thin and healthy, to have a trim, fit, muscular body, to be able to do things like climb mountains, hike trails, sit in trans-Atlantic airplane seats, ride rides at Disneyland, keep up with my children.  She said she was doing it because her counselor (who also happens to be MY counselor) tells her to do it.  Because it keeps her from lying on the couch, reading a book, sinking into a depressive catatonic state, and keeps her children from calling her a Fun Nazi and rightfully accusing her of sleeping all the time.  Obviously she and I are in different places in our journeys- she’s working in the immediate, the here and now.  She’s trying to change this moment.  On the other hand, I’m a little past ‘this moment.’ I’m working with a goal for the future.   My goal for the future is, I’d like to HAVE a future.  That’s why I’m working on this weight loss thing.  I want to live longer and be healthier.  And I want my long, healthy future to include things that actually make me feel like I’m living!  I want to hike on a glacier and climb the steps to the top of an ancient pyramid, and hang upside down and backwards off an old castle and smooch a piece of rock.  I want to parasail!  And do so many other things I can’t even think of right now. 

I will do it!  I will LIVE! 

Here’s to me and here’s to life!

Until next time,

D.

 

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