The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Picture a Melting Snowman in a Little Black Dress and Sling-back Pumps! June 2, 2010

Hello all.  I haven’t talked about Weight Watchers lately, so I thought I’d share how things have been going in that area.  Somehow or other, I lost over 7 lbs. this week.  My first inclination is to ask myself what I’m doing wrong, because I’ve been doing this since January, and you’re not supposed to have a loss like that after the first couple of weeks- you’re just not!  But the week before, I’d showed a .6 gain that I wasn’t really expecting.  In fact, let me just list my plus/minues for the last few weeks leading up to yesterday’s meeting:  -0, -3, -2.8, -1.8, +5, -9.2, +.6, -7.6. 

Anyway.  I don’t feel like I’m doing it exactly right, and I know I’m not doing it right as far as today is concerned.  I ate a 4 point Healthy Choice meal at 11:30 this morning, a 90 calorie Fiber One bar at 3:oo this afternoon, and nothing else since then.  At all.  It’s not that I haven’t been hungry- I have.  It’s just that I got home from work at 6.  I had a much more pressing issue to occupy my mind than food, and that was to play with my new cell phone!  (More on that in a later entry!)

I’ve been thinking about the weight loss I’ve achieved in the last 5 1/2 months, (Now 46.6 lbs.!!)  There are moments when the word ’emergence’ keeps dancing in my head.  There are days and moments when I feel like the inside of a melting snowman, where the outer layers are melting away and you can see something different emerging.  Or maybe a wax statue that’s been left to stand in front of a fire.  Either way, I feel this sense of becoming, this sensation of removing the excesses and distilling myself down into my essential self.  It’s a slow process, to be sure, but I feel it happening. 

I have to say that while I love, love, LOVE the fact that I’m losing weight, I totally detest the state of my wardrobe!  It seems that no matter what I buy myself or what my mom buys for me, 95% of everything I own is either holey, stained, spotted, or 3 sizes too big!  Don’t get me wrong- too big is a good problem to have, for sure!  I just get tired of feeling that I look like a homeless hobo!  I have a great friend who gives me a LOT of clothes- in fact if it weren’t for her, I’d be running ’round here in the nudie patootie about 80% of the time! 

One thing I really look forward to is developing my personal style more as I continue to lose weight.  I don’t even know if I have a style.  Up until now, my style has been “if you’re lucky enough that it fits, hey- it’s your style!”  I don’t feel like I could really describe the kind of clothing I like or what kind of image I want to project.  This is something The Golden Goddess and I have been working on- me finding my style.  She keeps throwing possibilities at me, but I’m not all one or the other.  I’m not bohemian hippy chick earth mother; I’m not sharp, taylored professional; I’m not grunge; I’m not punk; I’m not ribbons and lace; I’m not yoga chic, and I’m definitely not Blingy Bedazzler Explosion like some of the women I see around. 

What is the deal with that, anyway?  Can anybody explain this phenomenon that is tiny little sparkly things on every available surface of a woman’s wardrobe and person?  Why has this come into fashion?  It’s not just a man-attracting thing, is it?  I’m thinking men have never been attracted by a lot of flash like that, because all the glitz, glamour, and bling generally screams, “Hey World!  I’m HIGH MAINTENANCE!” 

I’m so the opposite of high maintenance, and I’m definitely lost when it comes to the art of flirting.  I don’t think I even know what flirting is.  All I know is that when men come into the store where I work, if they are talking to me more than is strictly necessary, smiling at me or acting friendly, and my co-workers do that juvenile “Wooooooo!  D.’s got a boyfriend!” thing, my first reaction is to dismiss it and say that the guy was just being nice.  Or friendly.  I don’t have a high enough opinion of myself to think that someone is flirting, not with me– heaven forbid!  I am so negative I always think that if I asked some guy on a date, violent nausea would be his immediate reaction!

Perhaps I’m dramatizing a bit, but I just never think of myself as someone a man would be physically attracted to.  Sure, they might think I’m a real sweet girl, a loving, loyal, good-hearted person, but I can never imagine some random man getting all hot under the collar about me.  I think I keep expecting that that vision of myself will just magically change when I get to a much lower weight, but I’m not sure it’s that easy.  I think what I see when I look in the mirror will always be someone a man would want to be friends with, but nothing more, even when I’m much smaller.  Unless of course, I can overcome that dominant mousy, good-girl Melanie Hamilton gene and someday see myself as being any man’s luckiest night ever!  

A better wardrobe ought to help with that, right?  I guess I need to just start looking at discovering what kind of clothes I like, what makes me feel vibrant and alive and…sexy.  Because in general, if you feel sexy, you ARE sexy!   And with that, I’m going to take my sexy self and hit the sack, because it’s so late I’m having a little trouble seeing straight!

Until next time,

D.

PS- I feel the need to have a disclaimer here- just because I’m losing weight doesn’t mean I’m going to turn into this man-crazy person who is only interested in hunting down her testosterone-filled prey and devouring him.  I am simply trying to develop myself as a sensual woman-being who loves herself, loves what she looks like, loves what she’s wearing and loves how she makes men feel.  And gets a bit of a kick out of it!  Ok, that does sound man-crazy.  Hey, I’m a work in progress!

D.

 

6 Responses to “Picture a Melting Snowman in a Little Black Dress and Sling-back Pumps!”

  1. Scott Says:

    As far as the bedazzled thing.. I don’t think men are like fish. I don’t see the point of dressing like a new lure to attract anything! Lol..

    As far as what guys are attracted to.. Well, this is my general observation. As with anything, there are exceptions though. I think the best guys, the ones worth keeping, are attracted to women who are confident in themselves and that guy is not threatened by a woman’s sense of self and independence. Guys that are attracted to subservient feeling women are attracted to them because the guys are either control freaks, or are too insecure in their relationship and they are afraid of being left.. Over jealous if you will. Guys who go after “cougars” are just there for the adventure, sex, and no relationship to concern themselves with.

    These are the very basics as I see them, maybe right, maybe wrong, but that’s it. You could break these down into an entire Sociological encyclopedia, and there a lot more types than just these three.. But that’s the basics according to how I see it.

    • LenaDeeAnne Says:

      Hey Scott! Thanks for reading… you know, what you say makes sense, and I think most women know that it’s true on an intellectual level, but it doesn’t stick on a really internal level where it informs their choices and actions.

      • Scott Says:

        “These are the very basics as I see them, maybe right, maybe wrong, but that’s it. You could break these down into an entire Sociological encyclopedia, and there a lot more types than just these three.. But that’s the basics according to how I see it.”

  2. Mandie Says:

    You know some woman have gone beyond bedazzling their clothes? Now they are getting vajazzled! Apparently they get some sparkly picture applied near their nether region. It’s a mad world!
    I’m the last one to tell you what men want in a woman. It’s so weird to me that u & I are having a similar journey in life right now. Right now I’m focusing on what I like and in the future if somean decides to like the woman I’ve found then I’ll cross that bridge then. I feel like I used to know that woman at some point in the past but I lost her somewhere along the way. It’s almost like when you are writing or speaking and you are struggling to find the exact right word. It’s there inside you. You know that you know the word and have used it before but right now it’s floating in that unreachable part of your brain. At some point in the future whether it’s seconds, minutes, hours, days or weeks the right word will finally come to you and you think ‘see, I knew it all along!’. The women we were meant to be are out there and we’ll know them when we see them. They aren’t foreign to us. They are just floating in that unreachable part of us. When we least expect it they will reveal themselves. We will say ‘there you are! I knew you all along!’. And they will feel like our favorite pair of ratty sweatpants and our best Sunday dress all at once.
    Thank you so much for sharing your journey. Setes it helps to know I’m not the only one on this road!

    • LenaDeeAnne Says:

      Hey, girl! Thanks so much for reading! I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I’m mostly there, like I mostly like who I am and where I am, but then I get all wrapped up in how much more there is to know, and how much more I could grow, and I hope that between here and there I get it right.

      Good luck on the journey! We’re making progress.

  3. […] I realized that what I said was not what I really want.  Oh, fine, I’ll tell you- it was in this post, toward the end, where I’m talking about what I want to become.  That part about wanting […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s