Hello all. Well, today’s the day. I’m under instructions from The Golden Goddess to blog about how I’m feeling. We talked yesterday about what exactly it is I expect from him, what I want him to acknowledge. This was in the context of me wondering if I’d hear from him today with the express purpose of letting me know he hadn’t forgotten. What could he say? What would be the right sentiment? ‘Happy Anniversary’ hardly applies.
‘I’m sorry I came up with this hare-brained scheme and then tore our hearts out and turned our lives upside down, but I’ll always appreciate that you were willing to give me a chance and I’ll always love you no matter what, for what little it’s worth.’ seems more appropriate.
GG told me I needed to make this day a celebration of me, a day to celebrate me continuing to be open to life and love, and continuing to believe that it is worth it, that it is out there waiting. She said I have to let go of beating myself up for the choice to marry RMB, because the facts about us, the concepts I was basing the choice on- good friendship, being able to talk, knowing each other a long time, and of course the love- were all good foundations to base a relationship and a marriage on, but they blinded me to the negatives and the warning signs.
I’ve been listening to music all morning, and I’ve been hearing a variety of lyrics. I posted a lyric from Tracy Chapman’s ‘Fast Car’ on my Fb status: “You got a fast car. Is it fast enough so we could fly away? We gotta make a decision- leave tonight or live and die this way.” I have always loved that song, because it captures how I’ve felt at times about both my marriages, how both felt- in some moments- like hopeless traps. The song is all about decisions, and the desire to improve where you are in life, and I really relate to that.
Before that I was listening to the soundtrack from Twilight, specifically the Rob Pattinson songs and the instrumentals, ‘Bella’s Lullaby’ and ‘Clare de Lune.’ Those songs are just moody, emotional songs that, for me, evoke passion and pain interwined together in an inevitible tangle. They somehow speak to me that real love, while beautiful, is not without its rough, tangled, dramatic times, but that they only enhance the experience because you come out stronger and more beautiful for the journey you’ve taken.
Then I listened to a song by Anna Nalick, called ‘Shine’ which says in part, “I think you need to stop following misery’s lead- Shine away, shine away, shine away. Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are? We’re all waiting on your supernova, ’cause that’s who you are, and you’ve only begun to shine.” This song just makes me think of where I am now and how I’m seeking this quality of liking myself, liking who I am, feeling like I shine in my life.
And ironically, the song I paused so I could concentrate on writing about the first few was the ultimate ‘moving on’ song- Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive.’ We all know the words to that one: “First I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights thinkin’ how you did me wrong, and I grew strong. I learned how to get along…I’ve got all my life to live. I’ve got all my love to give. I’ll survive. I will survive.”
Right now Barbra Streisand’s “Somewhere” from West Side Story is playing:
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
There’s a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
We’ll find a new way of living,
We’ll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere . . .
There’s a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we’re halfway there.
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there
So that’s it in a nutshell: love can stink sometimes, but love yourself first, find your way to shine, wait for your time, and know you’ll survive, no matter what.
So here’s how I’m celebrating me today. I made myself a good, healthy breakfast. I’ve done what I love, which is to write, and do this blog, and now I’m going to go take a shower, wash my hair with my super-good-smelling shampoo, put on makeup (which I rarely do) and find a rockin’ outfit to wear today. I’m going to go to work, I’m going to smile at every customer I help, and I’m going to know that I am beautiful and that if it’s in God’s plan for me to love again, I will. And if not, hey, life is temporary and Heaven will make up for any disappointments. Love you all. Shine on!
Until next time,