Hello all. Well. This has the potential to be a rough week, for a variety of reasons. Let’s work our way from least to greatest, shall we?
The most insignificant way this might be a rough week is that, once again, we’re short-handed at work. One girl is on vacation this week, and I’ll probably be doing her job, which means I won’t be going out on routes, which means I don’t get to rest my feet during the day, which means I’ll likely be more tired, cranky, and in pain when I get home to the crumb-crunchers.
(Well, I thought I was leading up to reason #2, but that will be next week. Moving on.) It’s the last week of school. Hyperactive craziness and misbehavior will probably be the order of the day, at least for The Boy.
All that aside, the greatest reason this could be a rough week, or at least for the next couple of days, occurs on Wednesday. It’s May 26, my and RMB’s anniversary. Our third anniversary, and the second one we’ve spent living apart. I cried myself to sleep last night, angry at him for being the way he is, but angrier at myself for my selfishness and stupidity. I married this man, even though I can’t think of a single person I knew who thought this was a good idea. I thought they were wrong. I thought I knew what we could do. I was determined. I thought he was determined. I was fooling myself.
I think what’s driving me crazy now is that I can’t see how we can save our friendship, first because I feel so angry still, and second because I have lost any respect I had for him. Everything I can think about him is negative, everything I can see about him is negative. And I mentioned the other day about how we’re growing more distant, our conversations more casual and shallow, which also hurts. I love him but mostly I don’t like him, if that makes any sense. I love him, so it hurts me to see him for who and what he really is, which I always did, but I downplayed it, ignored it.
So yes, I know I have only myself to blame for the way I’m feeling now. I try to downplay the pain yet again, spew that “it’s all part of my journey” crap, but in reality, I know it all boils down to choices. I made a bad one. That’s all there is to it. Maybe someday I can stop beating myself up over it.
Until next time,
PS- Hello, dose of perspective. My mother just texted me and told me my dad is getting put in the hospital because he’s got bronchitis really bad, almost pneumonia.