The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

In Observance of May 26: Pain and Perspective May 24, 2010

Hello all.  Well.  This has the potential to be a rough week, for a variety of reasons.  Let’s work our way from least to greatest, shall we? 

The most insignificant way this might be a rough week is that, once again, we’re short-handed at work.  One girl is on vacation this week, and I’ll probably be doing her job, which means I won’t be going out on routes, which means I don’t get to rest my feet during the day, which means I’ll likely be more tired, cranky, and in pain when I get home to the crumb-crunchers. 

(Well, I thought I was leading up to reason #2, but that will be next week.  Moving on.) It’s the last week of school.  Hyperactive craziness and misbehavior will probably be the order of the day, at least for The Boy.

All that aside, the greatest reason this could be a rough week, or at least for the next couple of days, occurs on Wednesday.  It’s May 26, my and RMB’s anniversary.   Our third anniversary, and the second one we’ve spent living apart.  I cried myself to sleep last night, angry at him for being the way he is, but angrier at myself for my selfishness and stupidity.  I married this man, even though I can’t think of a single person I knew who thought this was a good idea.  I thought they were wrong.  I thought I knew what we could do.  I was determined.  I thought he was determined.  I was fooling myself.

I think what’s driving me crazy now is that I can’t see how we can save our friendship, first because I feel so angry still, and second because I have lost any respect I had for him.  Everything I can think about him is negative, everything I can see about him is negative.  And I mentioned the other day about how we’re growing more distant, our conversations more casual and shallow, which also hurts.  I love him but mostly I don’t like him, if that makes any sense.   I love him, so it hurts me to see him for who and what he really is, which I always did, but I downplayed it, ignored it. 

So yes, I know I have only myself to blame for the way I’m feeling now.  I try to downplay the pain yet again, spew that “it’s all part of my journey” crap, but in reality, I know it all boils down to choices.  I made a bad one.  That’s all there is to it.  Maybe someday I can stop beating myself up over it. 

Until next time,

D.

PS- Hello, dose of perspective.  My mother just texted me and told me my dad is getting put in the hospital because he’s got bronchitis really bad, almost pneumonia.

 

3 Responses to “In Observance of May 26: Pain and Perspective”

  1. Wanda Lemons Says:

    Hey! I can relate with your pain. I live with it every day. I, at one time, thought it would resolve itself eventually, but was I ever fooled! Mine is foot and ankle pain and prevents me from walking any distances.
    Now let’s talk about your marriage. It isn’t enough to love a man. First, you need to be good friends and then love. I am speaking from experience. I thought I could change my ex-husband into what I thought he should be, but that doesn’t work.
    I had a good second marriage because I never tried to change Bill. I just took him like he was and loved him. After he died I didn’t intend to remarry ever again, but God saw differently. I got busy with my church, friends, family, and some traveling since I was retired. But one night when I was looking out my window I prayed, “Lord, I’m so lonely!” It happened to be one of those nights I was really missing Bill.
    Now God heard my prayer and sent me a God-fearing, gentle, loving guy as the answer to my prayer. Mind you, that didn’t happen right away. I still didn’t plan to remarry.
    The point I’m trying to make is—stay busy working, raising your children, attending your church, ect., and if it is in God’s plan, he will send you someone in His time, not yours. Don’t even look for someone. Let them find you.
    That’s my advice, but like I tell my children, you can take it or leave it. You have to do what you feel is best.

    • LenaDeeAnne Says:

      Hi! Thanks for reading. I appreciate your advice, and I know it is sound. Regarding my marriage- we were friends, for a long time. That’s the main reason I thought we’d be ok.

      I wouldn’t really say I’m actively looking for someone- I’m just sort of living life and wondering when and where love will strike! And then too, sometimes I think being in a relationship is probably more trouble than it’s worth. And I know I definitely wouldn’t put my kids through that again, no matter how lonely I was. Just the thought of my son telling me over and over how much he missed Mark and asking when he was coming back- I absolutely hate myself for that.

      I want to say I’ll never underestimate a man again, but I read stories about women whose husbands just up and leave them after 30 years and I get afraid you can never really know someone, never trust that they won’t succumb to the temptation of the devil and turn your life upside down and inside out.

      Anyway. Dad was put in the hospital this morning, and hopefully he’ll be out in a day or two. He went to the Dr. last Thursday and he wanted to put him in the hospital, but he wouldn’t go. Dr. told him if he wasn’t better by Monday, he was going in the hospital. So then over the weekend he didn’t get much rest, and I don’t think he was doing his breathing treatments often enough. So this morning, in he goes! Mom said they have done a lot of tests and I think they have a few more to do. They might decide he has COPD. They were also worried he might have another blood clot in his lungs.

      I’ll keep you updated. Thanks again for reading, and for your advice. Hope you’re doing well.

      Love,
      D.

  2. Wanda Lemons Says:

    I forgot to tell you that we will put your Dad on our prayer list. Keep me posted about his condition.

    Another thing, pain comes with loving someone unfortunately!


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