The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Caving In, Sucking It Up, and Keeping On Keeping On May 11, 2010

Hello all!  I hate it when I really want to start a new post, but it’s late and I figure I should wait until the next day, but I know without a doubt that when the next day gets here, I won’t remember what I felt like talking about!

Then again, I also hate it when I start a new post and I can’t remember what I planned to write about, or when these little ghosts of ideas seem to flutter around in my head like wisps of smoke and disappear before I can form them into an actual post! 

One of the smoky little ghost ideas was to write about my kids and how they were told by some neighbor lady regarding some stray kittens, “If you can catch one, you can have it.”  Because of this, I arrived home tonight and Daughter S. and The Boy were both clutching kittens to their chests, looking at me with pleading eyes (the kids, not the kittens).  They begged.  I caved.  I’m insane.  I didn’t want a cat because in this house there is just no convenient, out-of-the-way place for a litter box.  I just put it in the kids’ bathroom.  They will have to clean it out or smell the stench every time they have to shower or brush their teeth.  Hopefully that will be enough to motivate them to work on their poop-scooping skills. 

Surely that wasn’t all I was going to talk about?  Oh!  Weight Watchers.  I can’t even bear to admit how awful it was this week.  Ok, fine- I gained 5 stinkin’ pounds!  I must have gone completely berserk.  I quit tracking my points perfectly and it definitely bit me in the butt!   But… I have to say, I went to my regularly scheduled counseling appointment after WW.  We met at the park, as planned, and I walked and did everything the Golden Goddess told me to- walked down and up the hill, did push-ups against a rock, and lifted my knees while walking.  And assigned personality traits to trees.  But I won’t steal her thunder- that tree thing was her idea.  It was great, though, and the air was heavy with the smell of honeysuckle and who knows what else?  The point is that I went, I walked, and I got in a better mood, even though when I left WW, I definitely was not feeling the urge to walk or do anything.  What I was feeling the urge to do was get in a really bad mood and hate everything and give up on everything, and I didn’t.  Go me.

Until later in the day when I called to check up on the teaching job I interviewed for and I found out they hired somebody else last night.  That was when I really started to get in a rough patch.  Right after I interviewed, I had tried to tell myself I didn’t care what the result was, that the victory was in taking the plunge to apply and go be interviewed.  But the sting of rejection was still there.  The wondering what I did wrong, what I said or didn’t say.  Also fighting bitterness against people in my past and wondering if any references sabotaged me, either intentionally or not.  Paranoia sucks!

And then, as my friends on Facebook know, I suddenly felt really, REALLY guilty for whining and acting all “Where’s a speeding bus when you need one?” just because I gained five pounds and didn’t get a job I applied for.  People died in tornadoes last night.  People’s houses and lives were destroyed.  One of my Fb friends recently lost a baby.  I totally have no room to whine.  On one level, I realize that everybody has their problems and everybody deserves to have their disappointments and hurts validated and so on.  But I am so blessed and so lucky!  Did I mention I ran out of gas today?  (My gas gauge doesn’t work right.  I’ve been having to reset and watch the trip-meter with every fillup.)  Well I did, but guess what?  It was almost right in front of the gas station.  I literally coasted into the gas station when my car died!  So how can I say I’m not being watched over and protected?  How can I whine about the disappointments of life, big or little, when I am so favored?

I bought groceries today.  I mean a lot of groceries, for the first time in forever.  I got paid, and literally almost half my paycheck went to food.  I decided after this week’s WW fiasco, I needed to get some good, healthy food in this house and start cooking it!  I am going to get right back on track with my healthy eating and counting points, and I’m going to gain back the ground I lost.  (Hmm- interesting juxtaposition of concepts there- gaining weight is losing ground, losing weight is gaining ground.  Weirdness.)

Anyway.  I really hope I don’t regret the cat thing.  Right now it just makes the kids so happy I can’t regret it too much.  The two little furballs are staying in the bathroom for a few nights or however long it takes them to learn to use their box.  One of them is black and white with a black smudge under his nose.  The Boy wants to call it ‘Cinder’ after a character in one of his video games.  I suggested they either call it ‘Bandit’ or ‘Hitler.’  The other one is a patch calico with some white, orange, and black calico all mixed.  Daughter S. claimed that one, of course, and she hasn’t settled on a name yet.  She thought about going with ‘Diamond,’ since the cat she’s replacing was named ‘Pearl,’ but again, nothing’s decided. 

No great or profound words to conclude with, but I wish everyone love and blessings.  And as the old church hymn says, “We’ll understand it all, by and by.”

Until next time,

D.

 

One Response to “Caving In, Sucking It Up, and Keeping On Keeping On”

  1. Scott Miller Says:

    It’s hard to remember that there is a big world out there, especially when the small one we are in day after day is falling apart. Maybe that’s why hunting for a job gets so personal. You try day after day looking looking for validation from that “big world” outside that you rarely come in contact with. Who knows, Lol..

    Kittens are awesome, cats are reeely independent. They make you feel lucky that they allow you to live in your own house. We love our cat to death, she disappeared overnight about a month back and the kids were freaked. But she came back the next day, I suppose she missed her treats!

    Take care, we’ll happy when it’s all over, one way or another.


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