Hello all. I’m trying to figure out a way to explain about what I said I was confused about, yesterday. I don’t know if I’ll be able to explain it right. People who aren’t familiar with the teachings of the Church of Christ won’t understand. This post will not be funny. This post will be painfully honest, and this post will contain a confession of what may or may not be sin. I’m not 100% sure anymore.
I’m confused about why I have to have a man-made piece of paper that says ‘here, you’re divorced’ and supercedes the previous man-made piece of paper that says ‘here, you’re married.’ Does it really make a difference what a piece of paper says when I don’t know if the marriage was ever sanctioned by God to start with? Does it really matter if I go out to dinner with someone, without having that man-made piece of paper in my pocket, when the other person whose signature is on those papers left and has been gone over a year and the two of us are already physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially separate and distinct? What if we wrote our own piece of paper? What if we went out by a lake or a river and sat down and held hands and prayed to God and told Him our hearts and our situation and that we knew there was no way we could be a married couple in the sense He intended, and we asked Him to recognize that we were divorcing ourselves from each other, but since He joins together, only He can separate, and asked Him to separate us?
I know what I was brought up to believe, but now it seems so weird. It doesn’t make sense. Like if I went out to dinner with someone tonight, that would be wrong, but if I went out to dinner in 2 weeks and I had that piece of paper that some judge gave me, that he was only qualified to give me because someone gave him a piece of paper, then that would be ok … where does it all end? What does it mean?
Neither of us had sex with anybody else. That is not the reason we’re divorcing. In some people’s minds, (the church that I was raised in) that means if we go ahead and divorce for other reasons, neither of us is eligible to remarry, ever, and if we did, we would be committing adultery. Ok, so right now I can’t really imagine finding someone and developing that strong of feelings for them. But I’ve always been a person who wants to love and be loved. I watch romantic movies and ache with jealousy. (Yes, I know they’re not real, they’re fictional, they’re scripted, whatever- the concept of romance and love does exist in reality!)
So if I go along with the letter and the spirit of what I’ve been taught, then I free myself from one bad situation only to lock myself into another bad situation. (I’m no longer married, but because I didn’t divorce for the reason of adultery, I’m not able to remarry.) If I go along with a loose interpretation of what I’ve been taught, (I confess and ask forgiveness for the fact that I was going to go on a dinner date with someone a while back, and there’s no piece of paper in a file drawer in the courthouse, and that he had certain things in his life that took the place of intimacy and provided emotional fulfillment in my stead, and that we’ve both kissed someone else) then we’re both guilty and neither of us is free to remarry anyway.
So how do I know? How do I know what to do or believe or hope for? Is it already a lost cause? Do I just forget about marriage and romance and love and divorce myself from the part of me that longs for it, and live the rest of my life like a nun? Or do I just do what I need and want to do, which is get a divorce for the reasons I do have, and if I meet someone in the future and want to marry them, I do it, and if that’s a sin then I just go to Hell?
I don’t know. Do you?
Until next time,