The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Searching for Answers to the Divorce and Remarriage Question May 6, 2010

Hello all.  I’m trying to figure out a way to explain about what I said I was confused about, yesterday.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to explain it right.  People who aren’t familiar with the teachings of the Church of Christ won’t understand.  This post will not be funny.  This post will be painfully honest, and this post will contain a confession of what may or may not be sin.  I’m not 100% sure anymore.

I’m confused about why I have to have a man-made piece of paper that says ‘here, you’re divorced’ and supercedes the previous man-made piece of paper that says ‘here, you’re married.’  Does it really make a difference what a piece of paper says when I don’t know if the marriage was ever sanctioned by God to start with?  Does it really matter if I go out to dinner with someone, without having that man-made piece of paper in my pocket, when the other person whose signature is on those papers left and has been gone over a year and the two of us are already physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially separate and distinct?    What if we wrote our own piece of paper?  What if we went out by a lake or a river and sat down and held hands and prayed to God and told Him our hearts and our situation and that we knew there was no way we could be a married couple in the sense He intended, and we asked Him to recognize that we were divorcing ourselves from each other, but since He joins together, only He can separate, and asked Him to separate us?

I know what I was brought up to believe, but now it seems so weird.  It doesn’t make sense.  Like if I went out to dinner with someone tonight, that would be wrong, but if I went out to dinner in 2 weeks and I had that piece of paper that some judge gave me, that he was only qualified to give me because someone gave him a piece of paper, then that would be ok … where does it all end?  What does it mean? 

Neither of us had sex with anybody else.  That is not the reason we’re divorcing.  In some people’s minds, (the church that I was raised in) that means if we go ahead and divorce for other reasons, neither of us is eligible to remarry, ever, and if we did, we would be committing adultery.  Ok, so right now I can’t really imagine finding someone and developing that strong of feelings for them.  But I’ve always been a person who wants to love and be loved.  I watch romantic movies and ache with jealousy.  (Yes, I know they’re not real, they’re fictional, they’re scripted, whatever- the concept of romance and love does exist in reality!)

So if I go along with the letter and the spirit of what I’ve been taught, then I free myself from one bad situation only to lock myself into another bad situation. (I’m no longer married, but because I didn’t divorce for the reason of adultery, I’m not able to remarry.)   If I go along with a loose interpretation of what I’ve been taught, (I confess and ask forgiveness for the fact that I was going to go on a dinner date with someone a while back, and there’s no piece of paper in a file drawer in the courthouse, and that he had certain things in his life that took the place of intimacy and provided emotional fulfillment in my stead, and that we’ve both kissed someone else) then we’re both guilty and neither of us is free to remarry anyway. 

So how do I know?  How do I know what to do or believe or hope for?  Is it already a lost cause?  Do I just forget about marriage and romance and love and divorce myself from the part of me that longs for it, and live the rest of my life like a nun?  Or do I just do what I need and want to do, which is get a divorce for the reasons I do have, and if I meet someone in the future and want to marry them, I do it, and if that’s a sin then I just go to Hell?

I don’t know.  Do you?

Until next time,

D.

 

9 Responses to “Searching for Answers to the Divorce and Remarriage Question”

  1. Scott Miller Says:

    I suppose this is one of the many reasons I fell away from the “organized church”. There are as many ways to interpret the Bible as there are people. Everyone thinks that their interpretation is the only one that is correct. But, on the other hand, maybe God allows for different “denominations” and “interpretations” in order to reach more people with His message. I don’t know. But religion aside, I think you should get the divorce papers and finalize it. That would free you to do whatever you wish in the future. I mean, if God is love, and love lives in your heart, then follow your heart.. (With a healthy dose of conscience (which might be the guidance of the Holy Spirit)).

    I’ve no idea where those last few sentences came from, Lol.. So they had to have been meant for you.

    • LenaDeeAnne Says:

      Thanks, Scott! See, that’s why I have a hard time, though. I’ve been taught that in regard to certain things, there is only one interpretation that is right, so I’d better make darn sure I know which one it is! That makes for a very stressful religious experience if you’re constantly worrying about whether what you’ve been taught is the one and only truth. And ‘stressful’ is not the way religious experience is supposed to be!!!

      Thanks again for reading!

  2. Scott Miller Says:

    I agree. God never intended for his word to cause stress or confusion. It’s only intent is to convict sin, save the soul, comfort his children, provide knowledge to his people, ect.. No where was it intended to divide, confuse, cause hatred, ect.. Makes you wonder how much of man has been presented in the name of God.

    I’m not saying that everyone will end up in heaven, no matter what road they take, and even the Bible says “the path is narrow”, but all the Bible says is necessary for salvation is to “call/believe upon the name of the Lord”. Simple & to the point. If it says anywhere else that something else is required then the Bible contradicts itself and can’t be trusted as Holy.

    I think it is good to be around other believers, I also think it is good to discuss and share opinions about such things. I think that friends, relatives, clergy, and others you trust are excellent sources for guidance. But, people are imperfect. No matter how hard we try, sometimes we say things that just aren’t true. That’s why it is important to always rely on what you believe to be true. It’s ok to take everything and anything in consideration, but always filter everything, no matter what the source, through your prayer closet.

    • LenaDeeAnne Says:

      The only thing about that is that the Bible says we shall know the truth. The truth. And it says to lean not on our own understanding. That says to me we have to be so very careful about what we believe and where it comes from. Like there’s one interpretation that’s ‘right-er’ than the others. Like there’s some elements of truth in most of the different viewpoints but there’s only one absolute truth. If so, how do we find it?

      Oh, but one thing I do believe is that we’re saved at baptism and that just because it says one thing at one place and another at another doesn’t mean it’s contradictory. They could go *together.*

  3. Scott Miller Says:

    To me, it’s a paradox. Truth is what the Bible says, what it contains, which is the mind of God. Understanding is how you interpret the Truth. For example, two people can read the same verse or passage of scripture and not have the same interpretation. IE.. Denominational-ism. BUT, to me, the meaning of the verse “lean not on your own understanding” is talking about viewing situations and spiritual issues with a mortal outlook.

    Maybe that’s where I’m at now. I decided to step back for a while and look at everything from an objective point of view. I have an issue with blind trust/faith. It’s in my nature to at least try and understand how something works and what the purpose of something is. Maybe I’m over thinking things, dunno. I just have questions about certain things that I need answers to before I’d feel comfortable continuing on with that journey.

  4. Rodney Says:

    De Anne,

    While I’m no expert on the biblical ramifications of divorce and adultry, I am an expert in going through the question you are experiencing.

    Okay, I’m going to probably blow your C of C mind, but here it goes:

    One, God created us in his own image and wants the very best for us. New testament is full of this, but I always like to look at Romans. Romans chapter 5 verses 5-22 will help.

    De Anne, let me ask you a question….who puts more emphasis on types of sin? Man or God? I taught Sunday school for 8 years, I have read this book cover to cover multiple times, so I’m not just shooting from the hip.

    Your answer is in part already answered by your post. “Man made pieces of paper”, well a lie is just as big as murder in God’s eyes…the consequences of that sin is dictated in part by God, Exodus 20 & 21, but man has a lot to say about the consequences of sin. The wages of sin is Death…literal in this life we are born into this world, God knows we aren’t going to be perfect, so he tells us that we are going to die. We get only one other real choice in this life, that is heaven or hell. We get everlastiing life no matter what, it is the location that is ours to choose. Differrent consequences for different sins is man’s law…lie, you hurt someones feelings, you murder someone, you get life in prison or death.

    OK, foundation established, now to tackle life after Divorce.

    1: The Bible cannot contridict itself.
    2: Divorce is wrong, but is ususally caused by another sin in some part. Either in the decision making process of choosing a mate or dring the course of the marriage. Divorce is a consequence of sin.
    3. Does God forgive all sins? How many times? What do we have to do to get forgiveness? I think you know the answers to these questions, if not, here is my answers. Yes, infinity, ask for it.
    4. The Bible says that divorce is only necessary in cases of adultry. What is adultry? Adultry is a violation of trust, usually of a sexual nature. This is not the only way adultry can be defined. I left Teresa because she violated my trust in her to respect me as a person and not try to change me into something I’m not.

    This is a lot for you to think about..lets start with this and we can discuss this more if you need to.

    Rodney

  5. Traci King Says:

    Dee Anne,

    Oh, I see we need to discuss this issue over lunch sometime too! We have so much more in common than I ever knew.

    • LenaDeeAnne Says:

      Love to! It’s been something I’ve struggled with in the past, and I’m still not sure I have all the answers. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts! Thanks again for reading.

  6. […] Searching for Answers to the Divorce and Remarriage Question May 2010 8 comments 5 […]


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