The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Weight, Weight! It’s an Update! March 15, 2010

Hello all.  Just thought I’d devote today’s post to the topic of my attempts to become a non-Klingon woman (read, losing weight.)  Click here to see the explanation of the Klingon-Woman thing.) As those of you know who know me in real life, I’m not a waif.  In fact, I’m the Anti-Waif.  I make Amazon Women look like delicate flowers.  Ok, I’m not tall enough for that, but you get the idea.  Never mind.  The point is, I’ve been trying to correct that situation by following the Weight Watchers program.  I started in mid-late January, the 19th.  Instrumental in this decision were the encouragement of my counselor and the desire to be able to take part in normal human activities like sitting in an airplane seat or a movie theater seat pain-free, hiking up a mountain, and wiping my backside without strategic advance planning. 

So I went to the meeting one day, all by myself, and joined the crusade.  I was feeling very nervous and worried about going in there.  I was worried that all I would see would be fairly small people who were already in maintenance or people who only had 20 lbs to lose.  In short, I was afraid I’d be the biggest person in the room, the purpose of the gathering not withstanding. 

Turned out I was wrong.  There were plenty of people who were my size or bigger, just beginning their journeys, hoping like I was that they didn’t stand out in any way.  I sat down at an unobtrusive table in the back, listened, and watched.  I planned my own meals and tried to envision the end of the journey.  A friend of mine says she can “see” herself thin.  I couldn’t.  I’ve tried, but I can’t imagine it.  I can’t picture it.  I can’t yet fathom what it will be like to be this normal-sized person, this person who is only limited in what she can do by the mental aspects, rather than the physical. 

So anyway, I plunged right in.  By the next week I had inspired a friend of mine to join.  And I’ve gone to every meeting since then.  I have not missed one!  They have this reward that you can get, called Stay and Succeed, for attending 16 or 17 consecutive meetings, and I’m trying to get that. 🙂  I don’t sit at a table in the back anymore.  (Hey, there’s another good autobiography title- A Table In The Back.  More on that at another time.)  I sit in the rows of chairs with the rest of the journeyers.  I comment.  I applaud.  I laugh.  I volunteer things. 

And since January 19th, I’ve lost 19.2 lbs.  I’ve sustained a pretty good weekly average, despite several occasions on which I completely disregarded my healthy eating goals and went… well, berserk, quite frankly.  Up until last week.  Last Tuesday morning I went to the meeting, and the scale didn’t change.  I stayed the same.  I neither gained nor lost.  I was actually very satisfied with that, because I knew there was no way I could have lost, but gaining would have been too hard emotionally.  It had been such a tough week, and I felt like I had done the best I could, mostly, and I didn’t deserve to have a gain for the week.  Now I guess the reality is, nobody deserves to gain weight, so that thought process was flawed.  Okay, let’s just say I subconsciously hoped that Natural Law would exempt me and I’d escape the logical consequences of my actions.  Except that sounds even more messed up.  Anyway!

So in the past week I’ve tried to do better.  I’ve continued to track my food intake.  (Which is super easy using Weight Watchers’ Online tools, by the way.) I’ve made myself walk a few times this week. (!) And I’ve also made myself realize that no matter what happens on the scale, I have to continue.  I have to keep going and keep trying and keep working through the process of changing the habits that brought me here in the first place.  I also have to accept that this is not going to be a quick and easy journey.  I have taken 37 years to get to this point, and while I thank the Lord that it won’t take me another 37 to correct it, it will take at least a year and a half to two years to get down to a realistic, healthier weight, losing at a sensible rate of 1-2 lbs a week.  I say realistic because, Have you seen those weight charts!?  The weight ranges seem way too low, and way too ‘unaccomplishable.’  I think the range for my gender and height is something like 140-155.  I can remember when I lost weight before on Medifast and got down to about 160 or so.  I was a size 10-12 and looked haggard!  So I’m thinking my goal should be about 175.  I can do that.  It doesn’t feel like it’s out of my reach. 

The key here is that I must be patient.  I must be calm, cool, and collected, and not start stressing out about how much time I do or do not have, because that was my main motivation for trying to improve my health by improving my weight.  Friends, I was scared.  I knew that, realistically, we do not see 95-year-old people running around who weigh over 300 lbs.  We just don’t.  We might see late 50s-early 60s people who are in that weight category, but we won’t be seeing them for very long!  I couldn’t bear to be at the place I am in this journey, so unfulfilled, so unsatisfied, so filled with longing to do more, see more, BE more, and think that my time was more than half over.  Maybe that’s morbid, but it’s where my mind was.  I know that none of us have much control over when our time is up, but this was one thing I could at least influence for the better, if not control entirely.  I want to be around for my kids.  I want to see them graduate high school and college, get married, have babies, fulfill their dreams and their potential.  I want to see the world, go places, have adventures.  I want to see how technology advances in the next 50 years, and see if as a society we ever get it right!

In short, I want to LIVE.  Click here to see the lyrics to a John Denver song of the same title, whose words express a little bit of what I’m going for here.) Weigh-In is tomorrow.  Wish me luck!

Until next time,

D.

 

2 Responses to “Weight, Weight! It’s an Update!”

  1. Tim Says:

    it didn’t take over night to put the weight on so it makes sense that your patient approach is the right one.

    I know what you mean about being self-conscious. I do heavy hand walking and look like a geek, but my health is worth looking silly. At least that is what i tell myself.

    And you WILL feel better about yourself when you start to lose. Our self esteem takes a huge hit from being obese. I know.

    • LenaDeeAnne Says:

      Hi Tim! Thanks for reading! Congrats on being disciplined enough to do the exercise and putting enough value on yourself to make your health a priority. I’ve had a tough couple of weeks, but I’m really going to make it a point to get back on track and try to be a little stronger.

      Hang in there, and keep up the good work!
      D.


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