Hello all. I’ve been wanting to write a new entry all day today, but every time I start, all the little embryos of ideas go flying out of my head like… um… something that goes flying out of its former container all at once. See? Total case of chronic cognitive flatulence.
Part of it is that my mind is completely overstimulated at the moment. Daughter 1 has been singing along with her iPod and chattering to herself for literally hours. And I might add, all her music sounds like dying cats or cows in the final stages of labor. Do NOT tell her I said that. She’s very sensitive. She gets all insulted and pouty when I ask her politely to please stop singing to music nobody else can hear because my ears are about to bleed. Ok, I leave off the ear-bleeding part. It’s not her singing, it’s her music. God help me, now she’s singing in Japanese.
I was really cranky earlier. I mean really cranky. I wanted to kill something. Painfully. I was just so aggravated at the kids. I leave them notes with stuff to do while I am gone to work, and they either don’t do it at all or half-heartedly, halfway do it, all the while acting as if I am comPLETEly unreasonable when I have the audacity to get mad at them for blowing me off. I am going to have to figure out a way to get tough one of these days. I hear there’s a new hospital in Chihuahua, Mexico doing spine transplants. I may have to get me one of those.
Anyway. I guess it’s time to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is church day. Indoctrination awaits. Don’t ask me what I mean by that. I don’t know. I have feelings about church sometimes that it’s hard to articulate. Like it’s all a cult or something. Sometimes I wish I could really distance myself from things like church and other people’s beliefs and wants and standards and just explore my own heart and mind and see what I really believe. But I never feel like I can dig that deep into myself, like I’m digging as hard as I can, but only scratching the surface. Like trying to dig a grave with a fork. And besides, the “good girl” complex is too deeply a part of me. I can’t reject certain things because it would be a rejection of the people who brought me up to believe those things. But I can’t hold onto them for others’ sake because then I’m not being true to myself. And if I’m going to get anywhere on this journey to becoming my true Self, I’m going to have to be true to myself. If that means jettisoning some long-carried cargo I need to have the courage to haul it over the side and let it go. And if it turns out that I can’t make it into Port without it, I will salvage it, and it will have undergone a sea change into something all the more rare and valuable because I cared enough to go back for it. I hope.
Until next time,