Hello all. I am sitting here trying to find something in me that needs to be said, needs to be spoken, needs to be shared. So far… nothing. Ok, so there is something that is swirling around in my head. I think when I said there was nothing in me that needed to be said, etc., I meant nothing anyone else would find interesting or entertaining or intelligent. I was denying and undervaluing my own voice.
I finished reading a book today that my counselor recommended, called The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, by Sue Monk Kidd. It was interesting, and thought-provoking. In some ways, when she spoke of the Feminine Wound, and the Sacred Feminine or the Feminine Divine, my first thought was “What a load of crap.” But I couldn’t deny that some of what she said was true. I think there is a tendency in women sometimes, to devalue ourselves, to think of ourselves as secondary, lesser beings to men. My own religious upbringing has drilled that tenet into me from the youngest age: Women In Submission. Oh, they tried to say it wasn’t because we are inferior to men, or any less important in the church, just because that was the way God meant things to be, the order of things. I’m not sure I get it.
I’m forsaking the assembly right this minute. (Let’s see- have I been taught to believe that this is an actual sin or just something to be discouraged, a bad habit that needs to be improved upon?) Regardless, Sunday night service started 8 minutes ago. I didn’t think I was making a conscious choice to NOT go, but now that I think of it, the planned topic for Sunday evenings for a while is variations on the theme of evangelism. I don’t know if I want to go listen to ways to be more effective at pushing something on someone else that I’m not even sure I’m completely buying, myself. I can’t really articulate yet what it is I’m questioning, or why I’m questioning it. Or if this “questioning” idea is just a high-falutin’ excuse for not doing what I’ve been taught I should do, which is to go to church when the doors are open. I’m feeling like I don’t have the option of choice- either I believe what I’ve been taught, swallow it whole and whole-heartedly, agree with it, and live it, OR… not know what parts of it I believe and be simply doomed to hell fire.
Oh well. Questions to ponder. For now I have to head off a tantrum that is building in an 8 year old boy because the Playstation 2 won’t read the game he’s trying to play.
Until next time,